Me And My Past Relationships
Work, exchange shop, bank, home; in the rain without an umbrella, but it didn’t bother me. I like rain.
The amount of money they offered me at the shop, for a box-full of stuff, was laughable, but I took it. I had no choice but to take it – a little is better than nothing.
I’ve spent most of the morning thinking about past relationships, and how I relate to men in general. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, because I’ve been single for a few years and would like to sort of ‘settle down’, someday, soon perhaps.
So far, I’ve had three seriously relationships all of which ended due to my fear of commitment, among other things. I lived with Sal for over two years; he talked of marriage, I talked of seeing other people. In the end, I cheated. I told him almost immediately in hope that he would punish me and make the break up much easier. After much agonizing, he forgave me and then proposed. I left the country, leaving him in limbo. I don’t know why I did it. I guess, I was afraid. I always felt claustrophobic, no matter how much space he offered me. His feelings stifled me, I always wanted to break free – to be available, alone or something. And even after two years of living together, sharing a bed and a life I could never open up, or tell him I loved him. I remember he often said: ‘You have to stop running.’ I never did, in fact I ran all the way to France the summer he proposed, and when I returned I told him it was over. Shortly after I fell in to another relationship, with someone I had known for years. We started going out and slowly got sucked in to the routine of being a couple. I was his first love; he wasn’t mine. Our relationship was always turbulent – he was needy, I was emotionally unavailable. I loved him with a sort of childish love; unripe, unsure, noncommittal. He wanted more, he had a right to; he gave me plenty and in return I cheated. He was devastated; he changed after that and although he claims he’s forgiven me; I doubt he has. He always brings it up in jest ‘ Shall I introduce you as the girl who broke my heart?’. We broke up after I cheated, and for a while lost contact until he got in touch. Back then he still harboured hopes of getting back together; we sort of did and then I dumped him.
Before both these relationships, I went out with Graff. He was my first, in all respects. Again, the same scenario; I couldn’t commit. I kept running away. He wanted more, he wanted stability. I left. This one, was the most painful break up of all because I had genuine feelings for him. What made it even more painful was that we kept seeing each other and soon after we broke up I realised I wanted him back. We tried, but he couldn’t forgive me. It turned in to a sort of torture – we would get back together and then his insecurities, lack of trust, jealousy, would surface and make him angry, hateful and bitter towards me. ‘ It makes me physically sick, to think another man has touched you. Go! I can’t stand to look at you!’ he’d often shout. Eventually, I couldn’t take anymore and left.
It seems like I was exactly the same in all three relationships; a saboteur. Unable to stay put, always in flight mode and looking for the door even when I wanted to stay. None of the three relationships ended as abruptly as I’ve described. Because of two of those men (and a few others), I had to take very unpleasant precautions to keep myself from being hassled. And yet I feel the fault lies with me which it probably does , but I think to a certain extent I am the way I am because I am a product of my past. I can’t help but think that John Locke what right when he said: ‘The little and almost insensible impressions on our tender infancies have very important and lasting consequences.’ So perhaps my emotional illiteracy and inability to form real intimacy is a direct result of having a philandered for a father – whose behaviour tricked my subconscious in to believing that all men are that way, although I know it's not true I guess some part of me is obstinately convinced otherwise.
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M / Website (30.5.07 20:38) It is normal for our early relationships not to last; I'm sure you know that. That our first loves; we burn fast and quickly together; all too soon becoming soot and dust in the ashes of the relationship. It is unusual to have someone who is "a first" (if not "the first") and for them to be with you for-ever. We grow. We have lots to learn, both about being with people and ourselves. And that's before we look at anything to do with our situations or upbringing. . When we form relationships, how we act, our expectations; these come immediately from our parents and other people of influence. Peers. Older sibblings. etc. And we may replicate the behaviours; or we may act completely the opposite not wanting that which we see as failings in those relationships we observe. . You say a lot in your words about the failings of past relationships; but I think you're describing symptoms we can see - you're not addressing the cause. I'd guess that the way you act is related to your childhood. That you do not want to be in the position your mother was in. You don't want to be beaten down and worthless, run over emotionally by a man. And when things start settling, getting serious... you fear that that is going to happen, and you want to do it first. Now I don't think that this is an attempt to destroy the relationship. I think it could be stand against your partner. A "you do not control/have power over me" thing; a "I can do what I want" thing. Maybe it's getting back at your father in a way you wish your mother had... . The thing is, whatever the cause. If you want to be in a relationship with anyone... you have to be careful. You have to be aware of your feelings... |
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M / Website (30.5.07 20:39) ...When you cheated (in the past) was it to fulfill a need you had that wasn't being met (it is okay for you to have friends that meet other needs; your partner does not have to be the be all and end all of everything) or was it "because you could". . How did cheating make you feel? Did it make you feel good, at least at the time, wanted, needed, desired, sexy, loved? Could you have been trying to see things through your father's eyes? His point of view. Subconciously. We all seek approval from our parents, particularly our fathers. . I think that, you need someone who you can relax with. Who you can be open and honest. And who will accept you completely for who you are and love you for it. Love is all about sharing. If we cannot talk, what have we got? . I've said a lot. I know I may be wide of the mark; I know I may have crossed a line; if I have, I apologise. Know that you don't have to answer anything; I'm not asking questions to probe. Just things I would think about. . Some people come into our lives for a long time. We turn and they're always there. Some come into our lives briefly, touch us in ways that ... that put us where we need to be in that moment. Sometimes love is like that. Take good care of yourself okay, all the answers you need are within yourself, you just need to know where to look hugs Mas |
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Skyline / Website (30.5.07 23:12) Yes you’re right, first relationships, first loves, don’t last forever, but I never even gave mine a real chance. It would of been nice to have attempted and failed, instead I ruined it before it even really began. The technicalities are not important, but lets just say I did a terrible thing, worse than cheating (that came later). Not giving it a chance is the only thing I regret. I don’t know how long we would of stayed together or how it would of turned out but we still see each other occasionally. He gets in touch, tries to persuade me to give it another go and then gets frustrated with me when I turn him down, and then with himself for being unable to stay away. For me, however, that relationship is firmly in the past. I don’t want to go back there because we’ll never have a clean slate. No point. As you very poignantly pointed out, I think we learn a lot from our parents. We pick up behaviours and values which we observe. I also think some of them are very deeply ingrained in our subconscious and therefore have great bearing on our actions, choices and decision. The way I am in relationships is pretty much the way my father was with my mother; unavailable, private, cold. Although I didn’t care for my father, I cared even less for my mother. I always saw her as an ineffectual, weak person and therefore looked for a role model elsewhere, unfortunately elsewhere was still at home and the only other person available to me was my father. So to a certain extent, I think you’re right I am the way I am because I don’t want to be like my mother but I am also this way because I’ve learned to be like my father. |
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Skyline / Website (30.5.07 23:13) As for sabotaging relationships as a way of taking ‘control’, I think you’re maybe partly right though I’m not sure. There might be some repressed fear that I have which won’t allow me to get emotionally involved because I might end up like my mother, but the rational part of my brain tells me that that’s unlikely to happen. You see, it takes a certain type of woman to endure emotional abuse. And I am not that type. I think I am reluctant to get attached because I fear losing my freedom, Independence, availability. In all honestly, I hope someone – the right someone – puts his foot down and stops me being flighty, because I think I really would like some stability. |
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Skyline / Website (31.5.07 00:10) You haven’t crossed the line at all. I started this blog as a way to try and analyse my past and present in order to find some answers. Your questions, observations and comments are appreciated and helpful. I also feel I can be completely open and honest here because – as I’ve said before – I have the safeguard of anonymity. Cheating…I cheated because I wanted to see if I’d feel guilty and also because I think I was being (self) destructive. It’s really hard to admit this but I think to a certain extent I also wanted to cause hurt and pain. I think I sort of half-heartedly hoped it would get a reaction. I think this is probably because I was frequently told off as a child and then as a teenager for getting in to trouble and that’s what I associated with attention, and by extension love. Having said that, all my partners were very generous with their affection and time but there was, still is, this need in me which always demanded more and gave very little in return. I guess, this is because I never felt (was) loved by the two people that were suppose to love me, but I don’t know for sure. |
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Skyline / Website (31.5.07 00:10) The act of cheating itself never left a lasting impression on me. I didn’t stray because I felt a need to be wooed, desired, wanted or sexy. I was already made to feel that way by the people I was with. So, I guess I did it because I could. As for seeing it through my father’s eyes…well, I saw it through his eyes growing up. I was there, caught up in the technicalities. I also saw what it can do to a relationship and yet I went ahead with it. The reason: self-destruction? That’s the only way I can explain it. I think I can honestly say I no longer want may parent’s approval, mostly because I don’t respect either of them. I wanted to please them desperately growing up and years after that, but then I realised that it’s impossible and I may be foolish but not enough to keep striving for the impossible. To finish…Nothing would make me happier than to meet someone who will be able to accept me as I am, and maybe help me realise that there is more to me than this mixed up, silly girl, but maybe that’s asking for too much? I guess time will tell. And despite my ‘issues’ I have much more to offer someone than my own confusion, I know I have. Thank you,for everything. Lots of hugs Goodnight. |
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M / Website (31.5.07 13:08) Thank you for your honest replies. What you say makes sense, and I know it isn't that easy writing some of it. Being anonymous or not, we still have to look at ourselves with honest eyes... . Regarding cheating; as we grow we learn to get our "love" the ways we do. If a lot of your love has come through negativity, then it is as if you still need that negative reinforcement. Like how (many) people who overeat associate the food with love and they get pleasure above and beyond what you'd expect. If that's the case, it's not an easy thing to change. I mean, you can change, but the change has to come from yourself. You have to see you don't need the negativity, and that you deserve all the positive attention you get. You need to be aware of your warning signs and say to yourself "I do not need to do this" when you feel the urges to - be it cheating, or something equally destructive to the relationship. . Part of that is helped by having an understanding partner. But mostly it is on ourselves to want to change, and to have the strength to change. . Your father being your main role model - that does make sense that you would find your behaviours are similar to his; but again, you don't need to be that way. You are not your father, you don't need to be like him. And you can change that. You have "the power" to change that. |
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M / Website (31.5.07 13:14) Additionally; try to look at yourself in a positive light. You are not silly and mixed up; that's not an impression I get from reading (any of) your words. I know you're not after compliments, but I'm going to give you one anyway :-) ! I feel you are intelligent and wise, yes, you are a victim of your past. But you are driven to change your future so as to not repeat the mistakes of the past; becoming a "better person". Those are great qualities to find in someone. Take care of yourself, -hugs- Mas |
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Skyline / Website (8.6.07 11:34) Hi Mas, Thanks for your encouragement and all your comments, really. I don’t know how intelligent or wise I am but I suppose at least I’m aware of all my shortcomings and am willing to face then and try and change my ways when it would be easier to just carry on the way I have been. Hope you’re over your cold and are feeling much better. Lots of hugs to you. |
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dota / Website (21.10.07 04:27) [*map/map_index_cnx2_12.txt||10||r||1|| @] |
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dota / Website (21.10.07 04:27) [*map/map_cnc2_12_mordy.txt||10||r||1|| @] |
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