Poetic Justice

It feels like all the men I've ever known are suddenly coming out of the woodwork. I am being inundated with emails and phone calls from people I haven't spoken to in months, years even, and on top of that there's Cricket. I have tried to be kind - as much as it is possible to be kind to someone who is completely unreasonable - but I've had enough. On Monday, for example, he phoned to find out if I still loved him. I nearly fell of my bed. Needless to say my reaction of ' Can you fuck off already' wasn't exactly what he was expecting to hear. Somewhat inevitably then the conversation ended with him telling me I was a spoiled, self-centered bitch who has no regard for anything or anyone. I agreed and smiling to myself thought 'result'. He then proceed to add a few cliches - 'your loss' and 'no one will ever love you like I do' - before finally uttering a very dramatic 'Goodbye' and putting the phone down.
Blissfully happy to  be rid of him, I went to bed. Next morning, Cricket's on the phone again leaving me voicemail after voicemail suggesting we meet for dinner on Wednesday. The same again today, though today's voicemail left me a little shaken up as he threatened to do something drastic. I'm at a loss. I feel like I'm losing control of my life and am worried I might go back to my old ways. In fact, I already am. And how do I stop myself if I see it as the only form of control available to me?

All that aside, Hack has come back in to my life and I'm pretty sure I'm beginning to develop genuine feelings for him. The possibility of a real, lasting relationship makes me want to get up and get out of bed in the morning. Funny thing is, he's exactly like me - incapable of forming a lasting relationship or committing - yet he is convinced that we could have something real. And to a certain degree so am I. He has taken  great steps to  let me in to his very private world which  he has never done before with anyone, but I also feel he has the capacity to hurt me which frightens the hell out of me. At the moment, we're taking it slow. I promised to spend his Birthday with him - a promise I intend to keep, but again it depends entirely on how I feel. All I know is that I have feelings for him among them; respect, admiration, physical attraction. What's more, we share a mad passion for books and he writes, beautifully. He's talented, witty, intelligent, handsome and on one hand these are the things that attract me to him but on the other hand they are also the things that intimidate me and make me question whether I'm good enough for him. Sure, right now he thinks I'm brilliant but then he doesn't know the extent of my inner madness and one day he's bound to find out and leave me heartbroken by the wayside, like I have left so many, and that, I believe, will be what they call poetic justice.

6.6.07 11:19