Worries

I was texting back and forth with Hack last night when suddenly in between texts another text arrived and I swear my heart skipped a beat. I knew who the sender was before checking it. I was right. New York boy: 'So...how's life?'
After getting all the niceties out of the way, I finally sent him a text saying I don't understand why he feels compelled to get in touch with me every few months when he has a 'wonderful girlfriend' and is 'deliriously happy', He replied by saying: 'Because I often think about you. I wonder what could of been and I want to see you.' which is fine and dandy except he has a girlfriend who he's been with for about a year. I almost feel sorry for her, but of course her ignorance  protects her from being hurt. Still, New York boy is a cunt for playing 'happy house' when really he can't leave me alone. It's almost been three years and he always, always does this - comes back in to my life tries to convince me 'we have a future' and then sulks away with his tail in between his legs only to come back for more a few months down the line. Clearly, he can't help himself but to be honest I don't really care anymore I've got Hack on my mind. I feel completely at a loss after out conversation just a few hours ago during which he proceeded to tell me about his past relationships, except they weren't really relationships but what you'd call 'encounters'. Basically, to his mind women are disposable - good for sexual gratification and not much else. I knew this. I also knew that he is the way he is because he is incapable of intimacy, and because he has never been 'in love'. So why the hell did I feel so disheartened when he reiterated all those things? I suspect because I have feelings for him. Mid way through the conversation I said: 'What makes me different from all the other girls?' I needed him to assure me, to tell me that i am different; that he sees a future with me, that he's willing to let me if I'm willing to do the same. I needed to hear it because despite having feelings for him, I am still unsure about having a relationship with someone who is exactly like me. He said: 'You're different because I open up to you. I tell you my inner most thoughts, my fears, my secrets and even when we have disagreements I still want to talk to you and see you.'
And it may sound like a feeble argument, but he is, by nature, a loner and private and detached, like he said: 'I've even closed myself off from my family' who by the way are lovely people. So I suppose I should feel confident that he's making an effort and yet  I wonder if he's merely making an effort because he sees me as a challenge or as some passing intrigue. His fears are somewhat different, more practical I guess. He says he's afraid he might fall and then be 'dumped' or worse 'cheated on'. He knows I'm capable of both. So, apprehension on both sides.
But I can't help worrying that although he's making an effort when it comes to it he'll retreat in to himself. And if those worries increase I know that I'm going to do the same and that will be the end of that.

7.6.07 19:40