Yesterday

First thing this morning – an email from Hack. An email telling me he’s been reflecting on ‘things’. ‘Right’ I thought to myself, then read the following:
‘I couldn't escape the thought that maybe you put a little bit too much pressure on relationships before they've begun.... which might explain why some guys lose it and become stalkers because they have developed unnaturally strong feelings before the relationship has fully developed.’
Er…did he just rationalize stalking? Yes, I think he did. What’s more, I couldn’t really understand why he’d think I pressure when I’m the one that’s always being pressured, in this case, by him. He then went on to say that he does really like me, in a way not quite reached before, but that he has also resigned himself to the possibility that I might want to be just friends. The latter part of his email seemed to contradict the former so I wasn’t sure what to make of it. At first it seemed like he was having second thoughts due to feeling ‘pressured’ then suddenly he swapped his stance by saying he was afraid I’d be the one to change my mind. The overall feeling I got from reading his email, though, was that he was totally confused himself. I didn’t bother replying and without further consideration though ‘Oh well, that’s his opinion and he’s entitled to it’ which is precisely what I said to him when we spoke. I think he expected a reaction or some dramatic retort to his ‘pressuring’ supposition but I didn’t even mention the email until he mentioned it himself. Then, I felt I should speak up and said: ‘Do you feel I’m pressuring you in some way?’ He was quick to say ‘No’, then added: ‘I’m the one pressuring you, for which I apologise.’ ‘Right’ I though completely baffled.‘What about what you said in regards to pressure and attracting stalkers then?’ He took a minute and said: ‘I didn’t mean it so literally, but it’s just that you seem to attract obsessive.’ And after a short pause added: ‘I really hope you don’t think I’m obsessive.’
To be honest I didn’t know what to think. One minute he’s blaming me for inviting stalkers, and the next he’s apologising for putting pressure on me and trying to convince me he’s not obsessed. Then a few minutes later he said: ‘I know I’m reluctant to expose himself but the reason I think we have something worth waiting for is that I think I could with you.’ The whole conversation was bizarre. I couldn’t understand what prompted him to send me that email and then a few hours later give me a completely different account of things. But whatever it was, it had clearly been on his mind. I’m just not sure exactly what he was trying to say because what he did say was fraught with contradiction.  The whole episode was like some unpleasant procedure at the dentist and has somewhat diminish my enthusiasm about Hack. It may seem like I’m over dramatizing things but I don’t believe we say or do anything without good reason and it sounds to me like he’s troubled by my past, and my supposedly ‘pressuring’ approach to relationships which turns men in to stalkers. I suppose he’s partly right, but attracting stalkers isn’t something I set out to do deliberately or employ pressure as a tactic to achieve. I think it’s my unresponsiveness that prompts men to try and get my attention by any means possible, not pressure.  I felt completely ridiculous and stupid when he suggested it and therefore didn’t even bother to justify myself. I just said: ‘If that’s what you think then that’s what you think.’ What really concerned me, however, was when he said he hopes he doesn’t appear obsessed and that I can walk away any time I liked and he wouldn’t hassle me. Now, is he just trying to reassure me or is there something else in this, because I never gave him reason to believe he was obsessing. I suspect, and I may be wrong here, that feels he is getting fixated and therefore is worried that I may be scared off. But telling me it’s my fault for inciting such feelings in men? Surely he must realised how that sounds? Or maybe not but basically I think he’s trying to justify his, perhaps somewhat irrational, feelings for me by suggesting I’m responsible for them. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. It’s one of those situations. One things for sure, though, I’m slightly more reluctant to get involved now than I was to begin with and for completely different reasons.

9.6.07 12:30