Hack, Cricket and Me

Things are going  well with Hack. Or at least they appear to be one the surface. In short, I have become his confidant, his best friend, his soul mate - all rolled in to one. We spend a lot of time talking and when we're not talking we're in touch in one way or another. But to be honest I wouldn't mind if we weren't. Although I enjoy it I think I'd like some distance, but I don't think he feels the same. While talking yesterday he said he stops himself texting me 'excessively' which made me think that his definition of excess is somewhat different to mine, because he does that already. He has also been extremely tender and sweet and has even surprised me with a recording of him reciting a chapter from my favourite book. A very thoughtful and beautiful gesture, for sure but I feel like he's overdoing things. It may perhaps have something to do with the fact that he hasn't felt anything for anyone before and is now overcompensating. Funny thing is, instead of being flattered I feel overwhelmed and discouraged.
I am so predictable, I can already foresee what's going to happen. I don't want to do this, but a part of me is already premeditating the best way to hurt him. The idea of breaking his heart fills me with a very fucked up sense of  excitement and anticipation. I already know that the only reason I'm in this relationship is so that I can draw it out for as long as possible before delivering a really big blow on my way out and the more emotionally involved he is, the bigger the impact will be.
I felt an urge to tell him today, but I couldn't. How can you tell someone you're going to hurt them? I wanted to speak up, desperately but he intervened: 'If you ever feel like straying you have to tell me'  I said I would, because that's not what I feel like doing. What I actually feel like doing is worse. I feel like I'm in a constant battle with myself, and on one hand I really don't want to do this because I could easily love this man but on the other hand I'm already contemplating my exit. Is it my place to warn him about getting hurt, when he knows what I'm like? I don't know anymore. I suppose he expects me to be different with him, I suppose that's what I expected myself but I don't feel I can be. His tenderness and affection is driving me away, that's what drove me away from all my previous lovers. I need someone who won't let me have the upper hand and for a while Hack had me believing he wouldn't but now that his feelings are taking over I can see myself falling in to the same old routine and taking on the role of a saboteur once again.
What's more I haven't managed to rid myself of Cricket who shows no signs of giving up. Last time he phoned, which was about an hour ago, I demanded: 'Why are you doing this?' He offered; 'Because I love you.' I am beginning to consider that maybe he's a psychopath. I don't understand how he's become this raving lunatic. I don't. Maybe it's not as bad as I think? Then again thirty two phone calls in one day seems a little excessive.
I'm tired, mostly of myself. I once had dreams and in them I was someone else altogether.

17.6.07 19:30